We talk a lot about breastfeeding on demand, so much that when I found myself breastfeeding a toddler I just kept right on doing it on demand! It wasn’t until I was pregnant and experiencing nursing aversion and all kinds of touched out that I started to feel drained. I birthed my new baby and embarked on tandem nursing thinking it would all be cool and I could just breastfeed the whole damn family on demand. I was losing my mind and my friend finally told me that she went through the same thing and needed to put up boundaries around breastfeeding with her oldest. Boundaries!? With my precious first born? But what will he think of all this. Weaning was not far from my mind, but with a new baby in the family and all the changes I just didn’t feel it was a good time. Boundaries was the answer! A few tips from our house to yours:
1. Start Small: With a 4-year-old and a 1-year-old I have boundaries galore, but at first it seemed scary and I was wracked with guilt. Start really small and go from there. Try taking the least important session of the day and limiting its duration. I say, “2 minutes and then we’ll cuddle.” Others sing ABCs or count. Then after a few days you can move to other sessions and limit the durations more. Then remove a session altogether. And progress from there to a place that feels manageable to you.
2. Keep it Moving: A moving toddler thinks about nursing less than a stationary toddler. Get outside, go to the park, go on a walk, just do something other than what you really want to do which is sit around and relax. Some days getting out of the house seems like the biggest chore, but when things get too cozy around the house I can feel my toddler zeroing in on my nipples.
3. Get Out of the Recliner: You get all of this advice when you have a baby to create your nursing station. Find the coziest place in the house, get tons of pillows and put your feet up. That’s great when you’re feeling like a breastfeeding goddess, but when you just want your nips to stay in your shirt you better avoid that place. The toddler knows! They will totally stalk you.
4. Illegal Snacks: Go to the store and stock up on things that you ideally wouldn’t feed your kid on a daily basis. After my second son was born and my first son was hitting the ceiling and wanting to nurse all day I was desperate. I would have served him chocolate cake 6 times a day if it had gotten any worse. We combed the grocery store for new snacks that he had never seen and tried them all. It was a good distraction.
5. Get Others Involved: My husband took a giant leap forward when it came to tending to our toddler. Daddy time took his mind off of nursing and put it on exciting new activities they could do “just the 2 dudes.” I also made a point to go to busy playgrounds and meet friends so that there would be many people around for distraction.
6. Explain Your Feelings: They can handle it, they really can. I often tell Jack that he is getting bigger which means his mouth is too. I tell him that this doesn’t feel good to mommy. I tell him that I know he loves “boobie,” but mommy can only do it for a little bit. We have variations of this conversation daily. It’s the most important one.
7. Brainstorm New Activities: When I really committed to this boundary thing there was a bit of resistance. Ok, a lot of resistance. My tot was none too happy with this. I struggled for a long time with guilt about it, but now I know it is the best thing for us. During one of our most heated weeks Jack started to say, “what can make me feel better?” when I would say, “no” to a nursing session. It was really hard and heart-breaking. My husband came home from work with a list of things we could introduce into our routine. Many of these things are still solid parts of our new routine. It went like this: new books, new puzzles, play trucks, go to the library, dance, wrestle, play Man-Cub and Ballou, paint, crayons, playground (list of 4 in our neighborhood), sandbox, dry oat bin, cutting with scissors, telling stories, telling jokes, running, soccer, baseball, play-doh, matching game, call grandmas. In a pinch we just consulted the list.
8. Say No: So yes, part of removing sessions from the day or night involves saying, “no.” It’s really one of the hardest things I have had to do as a mother. I never thought about it before doing it. It never crossed my mind that I would ever turn down my child! But when my emotional health was on the line it became obvious we had to push through this. There were days when I gave in and I don’t think it did anyone any good, but it’s a mind fuck to see your kid crying the deepest sobs you’ve ever seen for the one thing that made the two of you so close to begin with. Just remember, you are there, you are talking, you are comforting. Change is hard. You will all be OK. If my little man can get through it, anyone can!
Abby Theuring, MSW
