10 Things I Hate About Breastfeeding

It’s Breastfeeding Awareness Month 2017 baby! And I am here to rant about things I cannot stand about breastfeeding! Why? Because this is hard. Breastfeeding is really hard! It’s magical and empowering and all that stuff but I need all you new parents and parents struggling right now to know that you will not like everything about breastfeeding. And that’s OK! We do a disservice to each other when we wash over the negative feelings that breastfeeding can bring us. We can find comfort and community in the tough things that we deal with just like with any other journey in life. It’s the secret to our success. So let’s get to it. 10 things I hate about breastfeeding!

1. 1. Nipple twiddling- Tell me one more time that it’s totally normal for a mammal to fiddle with the other nipple. I know it’s normal, I know it helps to stimulate letdown, but that doesn’t make it any less eye-gougingly annoying. Seriously, someone pass me a fork so I can stab myself in the eye.
   2. Having to pee- “Stay hydrated,” they said. “Drink to thirst,” they said. Well, where are you now to hold the baby while I pee? My bladder is full, my sandwich is just out of reach and I can’t yell in frustration lest I wake sleeping beauty. Note to self; invest in adult diapers.
   3. Nursing Aversion- This was like a sucker punch to the face when I was 7 months pregnant with my second son while still nursing my first son. Is there are definition for creepy-crawly, deep rage, panic attack, ants and cockroaches running all over my body, running through a brick wall while sitting still and wanting jump out of an airplane all put together? Yes, it’s called Nursing Aversion.
   4. Lonely- Sometimes it’s lonely. So lonely. You’re a new mom and none of your friends have kids and you’ve never seen anyone breastfeed and you have no idea if you are doing it right and your baby seems mad all the time. Why does she hate me?
   5. The slapping- He takes his hand, pulls it back and slaps me in the face/chest/breast/ear/stomach. He laughs while never unlatching. I think he might be evil.
   6. The ignorant people- Why are people still saying such dump things like, “Your breastmilk will turn to Diet Coke at 6 months so you better stop to feed her the breastmilk of a bovine!” or “You’re not making enough milk! Your body just grew a baby and birthed it all on its own but now has no idea how to produce milk!” or “You better wean before she turns 1 or she will grow up to be a serial killer!”
   7. Shouting about boobs- Toddlers learn to talk and they are not afraid to say exactly what they want. They love to yell louder the more softly you talk. Like when you’re in the waiting room at Jiffy Lube surrounded by men waiting for the oil change that you forgot 18,000 miles ago and you’re like, “Sweetie, I know we’ll be done soon, just hang-“ hand slaps you in the face, “BOOOOOOBYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!”
   8. The zombie life- I swear at this point I have totally adjusted to 3 hours of sleep, losing every list I have ever written, wearing inside out pants, driving away with my coffee still on top of the car and remembering 3 days later I was supposed to meet Ashley at the playground.
   9. Pumping- I hate pumping. I hate pumping. I hate pumping. I hate pumping. I hate pumping. I hate pumping. I hate pumping. I hate pumping. I hate pumping. I hate pumping. I hate pumping. I hate pumping. I hate pumping. I hate pumping.
   10. Sex culture- Boobs are sexual and that’s cool, but that’s not their primary job. The oversexualization of breasts in our culture does no one any favors. I love dressing my boobs up, but I don’t appreciate being called gross or inappropriate when I am just trying to feed the baby!