When I was pregnant with my second son, Exley, people would often ask if this birth would be the one that righted all the wrongs from the first. I never felt that was the case since the birth of my first son gave me my beautiful son and also got me to where I am today. Learning to breastfeed was so hard so I figured I had my big empowering moment when it started to work for us. My first birthing experience was traumatic, but it taught me so much that I can’t call it “wrong.” There were plenty of things that I wanted to do differently the second time, but I don’t think I would have had the second experience without the first. So, essentially, both birth experiences served an important purpose.
The process that I have gone through is more of a healing one. But that word doesn’t quite describe it well enough either. The word “healing” implies that something that was once well got hurt and then got better again. That’s not quit it for me. I don’t feel that I was ever completely well. I have always thought of my body as somewhat broken. Again, not the right word. It implies that something was once whole, got broken and needed to be fixed. I had NEVER felt that my body was powerful, capable of doing its natural job. I have always felt that I was slightly different. Weak, short, small pelvis, etc. I did not feel that my body would be fully capable of delivering a baby into this world without it being traumatic and disempowering.
In the time between the births of my sons I learned about birthing options. I learned about options of medical professionals. I learned that I didn’t even have to go to a hospital (a place I had grown afraid of). I chose a home birth midwife practice in Chicago. I hired a doula. And I began the process of truly learning about birth and my body. I was scared. I knew that once labor began it was totally out of my hands. I knew nature would completely take over and bring me through it. It was scary to think of the control that I would lose. But this time I wouldn’t lose it to other people. I would lose it to my body. And well, my body IS me. So I began to trust the process.
That day labor set in fast. It didn’t take long for me to have to dig in and let it happen. I had no medication this time so I could feel everything that was happening in my body. I was able to learn how to actually push to move the baby. I could feel the baby moving with my pushes. It sounds silly but it was the most empowering moment in my life. My body was working! I was not weak or too small or too whatever. I pushed a baby out.
(Please note that I value the medical interventions that save moms and babies all the time. And you do not have to have a home birth in order to have an empowering birthing experience. This is simply my personal story.)
