{"id":1258,"date":"2014-01-28T20:47:27","date_gmt":"2014-01-28T20:47:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thebadassbreastfeeder.com\/?p=1258"},"modified":"2015-04-13T22:31:41","modified_gmt":"2015-04-13T22:31:41","slug":"my-rainbow-nursling","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thebadassbreastfeeder.com\/?p=1258","title":{"rendered":"My Rainbow Nursling: Healing From Infant Loss"},"content":{"rendered":"

By guest blogger Kayce<\/p>\n

I recently gave birth to my third baby girl, Samara.\u00a0 I’m twenty seven years old and my girls are 7 and 3 months.\u00a0 My middle daughter, Emma Blyss, would be turning 4 this year but she now resides in heaven. She passed away suddenly and completely unexpected on May 12, 2012. The day before Mother’s Day and two weeks before her second birthday.\u00a0 To this day we still do not know why as it was deemed natural causes.<\/p>\n

I was never raised up to believe that breastfeeding was the best thing a mother could do for their child and still have very little support from my family. I’m forced to cover or be closed in a back room when I’m at a family member’s house. I even bear rude, ridiculous comments.\u00a0 I choose to breastfeed all three children. Honestly, I look to your awesome blog as my one and only support system (besides my wonderful husband). I’m very thankful I found such a badass group of moms.<\/p>\n

\"rainbow<\/a><\/p>\n

As you can imagine my rainbow baby, Samara, is my new found happiness. I was devastated after the loss of my 2 year old. Looking back, I honestly do not know how I even survived the dramatic event. When we decided to try for another baby, I knew the experience would be so much different from the previous two. I have been exclusively breastfeeding since October 29, 2013 and I’m already dreading the day she decides she’s done. I didn’t make it past two months with Brielle nor Emma.\u00a0 I felt overwhelmed and not to mention unsupported.\u00a0 But truly it was completely out of selfishness. I didn’t want to take the time out to sit down, relax and bond with my babies while nursing. Sounds horrible and maybe even like a bad mother. But now that I know firsthand how life can crash down on you in a second, I promised Samara I would never choose myself over her. I love our bonding time. I love that I have a baby again who needs something only I can provide her.\u00a0 She’s my angel sent to me from my angel in heaven. I’ve learned that the time we are given with our babies is so important and will only be a faint memory before I know it. I’m happy to be interrupted from my daily chores and given the opportunity to snuggle tight and stare into her eyes as she’s nursing. Nothing in this world is more important than her. She’s my saving grace. The little angel sent to me at the lowest time in my life. How could I ever choose to be selfish and not continue our breastfeeding relationship? I promise to myself that no matter how much easier bottles and formula seem, I will be here waiting to nurse until Samara herself chooses otherwise.\u00a0 For me this breastfeeding journey is far more than doing the “healthiest thing”, it’s a journey over a rainbow. A rainbow that appeared after a deadly storm.
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