{"id":1503,"date":"2014-02-25T20:24:12","date_gmt":"2014-02-25T20:24:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thebadassbreastfeeder.com\/?p=1503"},"modified":"2015-04-07T22:51:32","modified_gmt":"2015-04-07T22:51:32","slug":"d-mer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thebadassbreastfeeder.com\/?p=1503","title":{"rendered":"Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex (D-MER)"},"content":{"rendered":"

By guest blogger Nichole<\/p>\n

There was never a doubt in my mind that I would breastfeed.\u00a0 My mother nursed all of her children; to me, it always seemed normal, blas\u00e9, even.\u00a0 (I have a sister who is six years younger than me, and I vividly remember trying to catch milk like raindrops when I would take showers with my mother and she would let down.)\u00a0 Mom had described breastfeeding as one of the most, if not the<\/i> most, rewarding experiences of her life.\u00a0 It came naturally to her (and apparently to her children as well).\u00a0 So when I became pregnant, breastfeeding didn\u2019t even seem like a choice; it was just what I would do.<\/p>\n

\"mother<\/a> <\/p>\n

I count myself extremely lucky that, much like my mother, nursing came naturally to me and my son.\u00a0 Hank was born on September 22, 2013, and he latched like a champ from the very beginning.\u00a0 Hank was (and still is) an \u201ceager eater\u201d according to our lactation consultant (nursing for 45 minutes on each side the night he was born), and I have \u201camazing nipples\u201d (one of the strangest compliments I have ever received from a heterosexual woman).\u00a0 Even our \u201cproblems\u201d weren\u2019t problems.\u00a0 Hank has reflux, but is a \u201chappy refluxer,\u201d gaining weight at a steady pace and smiling through his constant spit-up.\u00a0 I had, believe it or not, too much<\/i> milk and had to block feed for a period of time.<\/p>\n

But despite my eagerness to speak with a lactation consultant about the \u201cproblems\u201d that weren\u2019t, I did not speak to anyone about the emotional problems I was having every time I nursed.\u00a0 Eight or more times a day, for four months, when I nursed, I experienced panic attacks.\u00a0 And until three weeks ago, I hadn\u2019t told anyone.<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t entirely articulate the reason for my silence.\u00a0 Having suffered from anxiety and depression for years and having spent a considerable amount of time actively engaged in cognitive behavioral therapy, I knew how to identify and deal with panic attacks.\u00a0 Perhaps because I possessed these tools, it never seemed like I needed to tell anyone.\u00a0 Of course, even with this knowledge, a panic attack is tiring and taxing, often requiring some mental gymnastics to quiet the feelings and thoughts accompanying it.<\/p>\n

If I really, truly consider the reason for not speaking-up, I think it was because the panic attacks made me feel so different, so disconnected from the feelings I thought I would have while breastfeeding.\u00a0 I expected euphoria, connection.\u00a0 But I was feeling anxiety, disconnection.\u00a0 And there was no reason for me to be feeling these feelings.\u00a0 I loved my baby; breastfeeding was so easy<\/i>.\u00a0 I was being so irrational.<\/p>\n

But that\u2019s the thing about anxiety and depression.\u00a0 They aren\u2019t rational.\u00a0 But \u201crationality\u201d makes feelings neither less real nor less painful.<\/p>\n

Just like I did not know my reasons for silence, I do not know why I finally decided to break that silence.\u00a0 Three weeks ago, my mother was visiting.\u00a0 I was quizzing her about extended breastfeeding, and I mentioned in passing that I might not breastfeed as long as I would like because of the feelings of anxiety I had been having.\u00a0 My husband, well-versed in my struggles with anxiety and depression immediately encouraged me to speak with my OB, lactation consultant, and\/or therapist.\u00a0 Upon doing so, and conducting some research, I discovered I have Dysphoric Milk-Ejection Reflex (\u201cD-MER\u201d).\u00a0 In sum, when prolactin is released during breastfeeding, dopamine, a prolactin inhibitor, drops.\u00a0 Some women either feel this dopamine drop more acutely than others or have a dopamine drop that is more marked than what is expected.\u00a0 This dopamine change can cause feelings of \u201cdysphoria,\u201d typically anxiety or depression.\u00a0 It can range from mild to severe.\u00a0 It can be treated, and, for many women, it goes away after breastfeeding for some time.<\/p>\n

\"mother<\/a><\/p>\n

Thankfully, five months into breastfeeding my son, the D-MER seems to be subsiding.\u00a0 But as I write my story of D-MER, I wish I had not remained silent.\u00a0 I wish I had said something sooner.\u00a0 For me, motherhood has brought the most intense feelings of both connection and disconnection.\u00a0 Never before have I felt so connected to a human being, my son, but I have also never felt so disconnected from my social circle.\u00a0 Every day, I feel that I have never been more connected or disconnected to my husband.\u00a0 I\u2019ve never been so in tune with what I need and so unable to actually achieve those needs.\u00a0 The moments of connection are enthralling, euphoric.\u00a0 The moments (or even days or weeks) of disconnection can be devastating.\u00a0 I let D-MER be another point of disconnection when I could have spoken-up about it and used it connect me to a community of mothers who also experience it.<\/p>\n

My hope in writing my story is that mothers that experience D-MER (and even those that don\u2019t) will talk to someone long before I did.\u00a0 That we will reach-out and overcome the feelings that D-MER causes by seeking help and connection.\u00a0 For more information, I encourage you to begin here:\u00a0 http:\/\/d-mer.org\/Home_Page.html<\/a>.<\/p>\n

All my love to you badass mommas,<\/p>\n

Nichole
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