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<\/a><\/p>\nCore Beliefs are the basic beliefs that make up how we see ourselves and our relationship with others and the world. These beliefs are developed at a very young age. These beliefs come directly from our primary caregivers. These are where our conscious thoughts and feelings originate. Core Beliefs live deep inside of us and are not accessed directly. Because they are so long in the making and so deeply ingrained, they are inflexible and rigid. There are positive ones such as \u201cI am lovable.\u201d \u201cI am worthy of love.\u201d \u201cI matter.\u201d \u201cI am good enough.\u201d \u201cI am safe in the world.\u201d \u201cI have control.\u201d And there are negative ones such as \u201cI am not good enough.\u201d \u201cI am not lovable.\u201d \u201cI don\u2019t deserve love.\u201d \u201cI am not valuable.\u201d \u201cI am powerless.\u201d<\/p>\n
A few of my personal negative ones that affect my thoughts and feelings are \u201cI can\u2019t handle this,\u201d \u201cI am not safe,\u201d \u201cI am not good enough.\u201d These affect me in my daily life when I have big emotions that feel unmanageable, scary and never-ending. For example, if I am feeling overwhelmed with Jack I can become consumed with frustration. The frustration rises and I perceive it as bigger than me, scary and threatening. I tell myself I can\u2019t handle the emotion or situation. Because I tell myself that I can\u2019t handle it the feeling increases and I feel even more out of control. With a lot of work I have learned that I can intervene by using positive self-talk; \u201cI can handle this,\u201d \u201cI can manage my big emotions,\u201d \u201cI am OK.\u201d Or in a similar situation with Jack I might tell myself that I am not good enough to be a parent. That I am not capable of being a good mother. I try to remember to intervene by telling myself I am good enough and I am trying my best.<\/p>\n
Intervening as early as possible is key. The earlier we intervene in our negative thinking (that is ultimately a result of our Core Beliefs) the easier and quicker we can ward off intense negative feelings. It\u2019s a matter of remaining aware of our emotions at all times. But seriously, who does that? It\u2019s normal to become overwhelmed and feel trapped by certain emotions. Every single one of us has a list of positive and negative Core Beliefs that affect how we react to situations. It\u2019s really not possible to be aware at all times unless you are some sort of Zen Master. Which I am not. So just trying our best to recognize when our thoughts are leading to negative emotions and intervening as soon as possible is what counts.<\/p>\n I learned a lot about this in training as a Social Worker and the personal therapy that I engaged in as a young adult. It all seemed fine and well until I had Jack. Then I got to learn about the receiving end; Jack. I was always looking at this as the adult who had many years ago developed my Core Beliefs from my parents. Now I think about it as the mother who is affecting a tiny boy\u2019s future Core Beliefs. It\u2019s difficult to accept that I am passing down negative beliefs to Jack. It hurts to know that Jack will take all of this in and live his life with negativity passed down from me. But it is true, it happens to all of us, and I want to remember this so that I can continue to do the work to understand myself, make changes and challenge my negative thinking when it arises.<\/p>\n Jack sees me struggle to handle big emotions, become overwhelmed and tell myself that I can\u2019t handle it. He will learn to react this way to big emotions if I myself don\u2019t routinely work to manage my own. He will learn that big emotions are scary and are to be feared and overcome by. When he is having his own big emotions I try to tell him everything will be OK, that he is safe, that mama is here. No, this won\u2019t fix everything, but it\u2019s my effort to give Jack what might have been missing when I developed my personal Core Beliefs. And that\u2019s all I can do. He will develop his own and maybe the very ones that I try to ward off. But I tried. I put in the effort to understand myself and how I affect his life in the long run. I gave him\u2026 something.<\/i><\/p>\n It becomes clearer and clearer to me that gentle parenting is not about Jack. It\u2019s really about me becoming self-aware. Learning how my early experiences affect me now and how I pass this onto Jack. I came into gentle parenting through breastfeeding struggles that led me to Attachment Parenting that led me to a broader sense of parenting gently. I look back at Attachment Parenting as a beautiful set of tools. They say \u201cthe 7 B\u2019s<\/a> are tools not rules.\u201d I truly understand this now. Bed-sharing, breastfeeding, babywearing and so forth are wonderful concrete concepts to introduce parents to that they can fully understand and participate in if they choose. But these truly are just tools. Being close to my baby, being fully present for my baby and focusing on positive attachment depend on something much bigger. This comes from a place deep inside me. I can bed-share until the cows come home, but unless I focus on being aware of myself and what I am passing down to Jack I am not really present in our relationship. Which is the whole point. To me it\u2019s the thing that takes the word \u201cparent\u201d from a noun to a verb.<\/p>\n Abby Theuring, MSW<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n
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