When Jack was about 4 weeks old I was finally able to stand for longer periods of time without feeling like all of my internal organs were going to fall out of my vagina. I started getting dressed more and going on walks. My episiotomy had mostly healed so I could sit flat on my butt without having to tilt my ass to the side like I was about to let out a fart. We chose to celebrate one weekend by going to the grocery store for the first time as a family.
I was so excited. I took a long shower while Josh played with Jack. I got dressed in a nice outfit; a pair of sweatpants and a tank top. I slicked my hair back into a pony tail. I felt fancy, clean and refreshed. We got Jack into the car seat, which he hates with a passion, but we were able to make it with no major incidents. When we got there I chose to just hold Jack in my arms. I was prepared to strut around the grocery store letting Josh pick out the groceries while I showed off my new man.
It all played out as I had hoped. Aisle after aisle people came rushing over to check him out and congratulate us. I stuck my nose in the air and pranced around. I kissed Jack’s head when there was a crowded area to draw attention to myself. I walked away from my husband several times, leaving him behind for more populated areas of the store. I was so proud I was bursting.
When we returned home I sat on the couch to nurse Jack to sleep while my husband unloaded the groceries. As I usually did back then I stayed seated so that Jack could take his nap on me. Boobie nap as we call it here. Jack woke up a while later. My husband took him to change his diaper. I got myself something to drink. I saw a piece of paper I needed on the counter and put it in my pocket. I pulled my hand back to push it forward into my pocket. I missed the edge. I did it again. I missed. I tried several more times to put this piece of paper in my pocket. No luck. I look down confused at why my pocket seemed to have disappeared. “Oh my god! Josh! My fucking pants are on inside out!”
Abby Theuring, MSW (Happens to the best of us)
